A Proof of Our Existence

Please read the disclaimer. Last updated in April of 1998

In the course of humane events it becomes necessary for a people to decide to prove themselves existent. Now of course we can always pinch ourselves and say that because we did not fade out of existence as a dream has a tendency of doing that we must exist in some realm or dimension(s). I have proved my own existence (I think, therefore I am), but it has been hard to convince a little voice in the back of my mind that everything else exists and is not a figment of my largish imagination.

First off, I would like to thank all the little (proven, but little nonetheless) people for their magnificent support. Thanx Guys!

Second, I would like to thank myself for proving the little people so that I could have the support I needed to prove them.

Third, I again would like to thank the little people for making it possible to prove them so that I in turn would have their support to help me prove their existence.

Fourth, I would like to shoot whoever created the idea of paradox, because by proving him, I caused myself to prove the existence of the paradox which created my little people paradox above. Kablam!

Fifth, I would like to get on with the proof.

Sixth, I would like to prove our existence so that this paper exists so that I can write down the proof so I can prove to you that you exist so that you can exist enough to read this paper. AHHHHH! PARADOX! (Kids, never use All Caps. It is a sign that you are going insane. It also is very unpleasant to the reader.)

The Proof:

  1. The Formula:
    (cm^2)/(vFt2^(1/2)) = 1
  2. Station X:
    Station X is located at the center of the universe. Its absolute velocity is zero and its relative time is zero. It is imaginary, similar to the second half of the complex numbers whose other subset is the realistically inclined numerical figurines. Perhaps God lives on station.
  3. c:
    The wonderful speed of light and other electromagnetics, to be precise, 299792458 m/s.
  4. m:
    The mass of the object whose existence we are proving (considering we find the object's existence worth our time and effort.)
  5. v:
    The absolute velocity of the object whose existence we are proving.
  6. F:
    The total net force of all forces that influence the object in any way.
  7. t:
    The time relative to Station X. Relativistic effects cause objects in different reference frames to experience different flows of time. Relative time zero occurs when a clock on our object the exact same time since creation of the universe as a clock on Station X does.
  8. 2^(1/2):
    The square root of two. A beautiful irrational number. It is part of the Universal Theory, because humans are irrational, so we should find some reason other than our own fault for our irrationality.
  9. How it works:
    We now know how all the attributes of an object tie in together, from solving from this formula. We can also see that Station X does not exist in this universe (division by zero. (Zero, I've told you, you've got to stop dividing!))

I hope you enjoyed your flight on TOE Universelines. Thank you and come back again soon.

Peter W. Rijks,
Head of the PapaSmürf Institute for advanced BS

enc. A letter from my pshyciatrist about what to do after reading this to preserve your mental health